Oh, just my mind

Oh, just my mind

Several years ago I would regularly go through spells of depression, sometimes lasting weeks. Those days I would spend most of the day in bed, resolved not to face the world but to hover in near-sleep, safe from the horrors of reality as my mind escaped into semi-lucid daydreams. In the late afternoon, I’d get up, eat unhealthy food, and spend the night in front of the computer, consuming escapism.

I oscillated between self-loathing shame and self-aggrandising pride. On my bad days, I knew that everything I did would go to shit, and there was nothing I could do about it. On my good days, I assumed that because I had a talent for writing, my magnum opus would just come to me; all I had to do was wait. I justified my bad habits with that they were a part of what it meant to be creative.

I am much more grounded today, but there is still a discrepancy between the person I dream of becoming and the person I try to be. Dreams can be detrimental to reaching our goals when they allow us to feel the rewards for something we are yet to accomplish. But without them, what do we have to spur us onwards?

My imagination is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. With it, I can go to places beautiful, surreal, and wonderfully terrible. When I do, it removes me from the physical world in which I must inevitably live and survive. The irony is that even though I create entire worlds which are very real to me, I still have trouble living in the one that is real to everyone else.

Sometimes, the demands of this world are as strange to me as would seem to you the things I see in my mind every day.

xkcd: ADD
Comic by Randall Munroe of xkcd.com, who graciously permits people to use his work for non-commercial purposes.

Trying to describe my creativity with words is much like attempting to catch a cloud. By its very nature, creativity defies definition. It is a never-ending flow of ideas and apparently random connections.

Comic by Dirk Verschure of www.dirksbigbunnies.com, used with permission.

Trying to control the flow is futile, but I am slowly learning to manage it. Every now and again, I will some of the methods and ideas that have helped me on this blog.

2 Responses

  1. “My imagination is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.”
    I can totally relate to that.
    You said that you spent days sleeping, being on the computer and eating unhealthy food. I can relate to that as well. I have had spend days like that.
    Don’t get me wrong though, I have had my fair share of good moments as well.
    I have realized that this is a phase where I am figuring out what I truly want. Sometimes, I feel I have found it then I feel I haven’t. It is just a process.
    Building habits is the key to change and I am working towards that. I know, we can’t change overnight. Building habits is a process as well.
    My instinct says I will find my place just like you have found yours.
    Finding my place won’t mean that I will stop. Learning is a never ending process as well.
    I liked the way you expressed it all. Well written and well done!

    • Thank you, Vibhor! You are quite right about habits, you will find as I keep posting that building habits has been a large part of what’s helped me get to where I am.

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